The Little Rules of Japan

Tone

Japanese has several politeness levels, and generally the longer and more ornate the phrasing the more polite it is. We teach the short, natural, casual forms first because that's how you learn to wield the language. It's what you use in conversation between friends. With shopkeepers, hotel, and service staff you're still expected to use the longer -ます, です, etc. forms.

People will attach さん (-san) to your name as a general politeness title. You attach -san to the names of others. Never to your own!

The word for "you" is あなた but it's almost rude to use it. It's either obvious from context or you refer to others by name even if they're in front of you: What does Kato-san want to see next? (you're talking to him)

Entering

No shoes on tatami or traditional lacquered Japanese floors such as in homes, traditional hotels, izakayas or some places you visit such as castles and shrines. There's normally an entryway with boxes to leave your shoes and slippers you can use.

In Japan no-one will take your stuff, but generic plastic umbrellas are seen as interchangeable. The host might give your umbrella to another guest who's leaving in the rain. If you have a fancy umbrella that's yours, put it in one of these waterproof sleeves and take it in, or indicate that somehow.

Ryokan and Onsen

A ryokan is an experience more like being a guest in someone's home and less like a hotel. It's a shoes-off, house-like interior. The host will ask you what time you want to have dinner and will cook for you, so that's a commitment to be there. You may see Japanese show up in common areas in the provided 浴衣 (yukata — robe) but it's designed to fit them and they probably know what they're doing.

An onsen is a hot tub for relaxing in. It's not a bathtub. You're supposed to use the adjacent shower to get completely clean first, and then enter the tub, naked. The tubs are usually segregated for men and women and nudity in this context is completely non-sexual.

Yes and No

The word for "yes" is はい (hai) but it doesn't necessarily mean agreement. It often means yup, aha, got you, understood. To verify agreement Japanese people will say そうです (sō desu — it is so) or will repeat a schedule or other details to you.

The word for "no" is いいえ (iie) but Japanese people will try very hard to avoid saying it. If you want to express that something's wrong with dates, your order, etc. say 違う (chigau — different). Japanese people will say それはちょっと… (sore wa chotto… — it's a bit…) or they'll say something is "difficult." It means no.

If a place is closed, reserved, private, or you can't go in for whatever reason the host will make a hand sign like an X with both hands crossed in front of them 🙅. That also means no.

Table Manners

Although most meals in Japan are famously individual, at an izakaya they're usually shared like southern Europe. Everyone gets a little plate and you're supposed to serve everyone from the shared dish using the serving utensils.

As it says in every guidebook, don't put down your chopsticks by sticking them in the rice. It's a funeral custom. Put them down horizontally somewhere. More relevant, blowing your nose in Japan is seen as way more unhygienic than in the west. It's therefore super rude to blow your nose at the table. Sniffing is OK until you can deal with it.

The stock phrase to start a meal is いただきます (itadakimasu), but it's more formal or spiritual than "bon appétit" — it means "we shall receive." At the end you can say おいしかった (oishikatta — it was delicious) or the stock phrase ごちそうさまでした (gochisōsama deshita — it has been a feast). With friends that means thank you so much; at a restaurant it means you're done. The word for the bill is お勘定 (okanjō), but you don't ask for it at the table — you pay at the front desk. No tipping anywhere in Japan, and that includes restaurants.

Omakase

There's a special food order in Japan, usually sushi, called おまかせ (omakase). It means "I leave it up to you." Omakase is expensive. It's asking for premium treatment, not making it easy for the chef.

Japan is a culture of respect. You respect others by carrying your own weight and not being a burden. At work you fulfil your own commitments and don't expose your difficulties except when necessary to your managers. In public you may notice commuters or even shoppers follow what seems like a dress code compared to an equivalent crowd in the west. That's not simply conservatism or a lack of diversity — it's everyone minding their weight, clothing, grooming, and the way they carry themselves to avoid a "broken window" society. That'll be expected of you too if you stay there.

If you've asked JR or other staff to confirm your journey plan and they've been unwilling, it's not that they don't know their train schedules. It's that if they give you a plan they then become responsible for your outcomes. Be aware that's how the country works.

Respect the Law

That's a good idea everywhere, but don't mistake Japan's politeness for permissiveness or weakness. It's very hard to get in trouble with the police in Japan, and almost impossible to get out of it.

There's a line and you as a decent person are supposed to stay on one side of it. If it appears that you crossed it, the system is designed to convict. There's not the culture of rights that you might expect in the west.